There’s a good chance that children and their parents have a different take on an increasingly popular party invite: As many as 1 in 8 birthday party invitations now specify “no gifts.” Cue the sound of disappointed children.
What to Expect, a parenting and pregnancy brand and website, decided to conduct its own small poll to see exactly what that means and what’s behind it. Does it really mean just show up and eat our cake and celebrate our child?
Turns out it’s not as simple as it seems. According to its poll, about 3 in 10 parents still bring gifts to a no-gift party. The average gift costs about $28.
What to Expect also found that there are several factors behind the no-presents invite. Some folks feel like their house is already overrun with toys and stuff and they’re trying to cut back. Some are trying to teach their children a message about friendship without consumerism. Some want to take the pressure off parents whose kids may receive multiple invites to parties where they really can’t afford the gifting price tag. There are religious and other views that may contribute. It’s also possible some parents feel pressured to say no gifts because so many other parents are saying it.
That was the case with one unnamed mom quoted in the poll. “All of the kid invites we have received have said ‘no gifts,’ so I feel slightly pressured to do this too,” she told What to Expect. “But we don’t have much family where we are and I think gifts to help celebrate my daughter would be so much fun.”
The no-gift parents are not the majority, by the way. The vast majority of parents — mid to high 90% range — buy gifts for their children’s pals and most invitations don’t specify. But the survey found about half of parents either don’t want gifts or don’t care if party attendees bring them.
Millennial moms are more likely to bring a gift when they’re asked not to than Gen Z moms, 33% compared to 23%.
Gift-giving etiquette advice
A number of etiquette and other experts have chimed in on the topic on different parenting websites. Today reported that in its live poll, parents were divided on the topic of no-gift parties. About half said “yes, kids have enough stuff.” The other half said “no, let them have gifts.”
Evie Granville, co-author of “Modern Manners for Moms & Dads,” told Today that parents have lots of reasons for choosing a no-gift party. They may be careful about the types of toys they let their children have, but struggle to politely say “nothing plastic.”
She said to honor the invitation’s request, but noted some “workarounds,” like balloons or a “big swirly lollipop. Think about things that will disappear in a few days.” Gift cards are nice, too, as long as they’re an experience and not something that leads to another toy the parent doesn’t want.
Catherine Newman, another etiquette expert Today consulted, said to honor the invitation. “If it was a gluten-free birthday party, would you bring a cake with gluten? No. It’s not your call.”
Leah Rocketto, associate shopping director for What to Expect, says to follow your heart, but don’t feel pressured because other parents are or aren’t sending their kids with gift in hand. She suggests a small gift or a card the child made is appropriate if showing up empty-handed feels wrong.
Scary Mommy blogger Elizabeth Narins wrote that she’s sent out two no-gift birthday party invites and received five of them. “Nevertheless, I — very gratefully — went home from my kid’s last celebration with more presents than I could carry. And you bet I buy a gift for every other birthday boy and girl, regardless of invitation instructions. (How can I not?!)”
The etiquette expert she consulted, Sara Davis, co-author of “Modern Manners for Moms and Dads: Practical Parenting Advice for Sticky Social Situations,” said parents who can’t bear to send a child to a pal’s party empty-handed don’t have to. They should always bring a birthday card, preferably homemade. Tuck a gift card in, if you want, she added, noting you could bring a hostess gift like flowers, too — “but only if they’re hosting at home.”
Another idea? See if they would like you to stick around and help keep an eye on the kids. Become the gift, she said.
Finally, said Davis, if the child is your kid’s best friend or if it’s your best friend’s kid, feel free to get something bigger. “Just run it by their parents first. Also, consider dropping it off before or after the party so other guests won’t feel stupid for following the host’s directions,” Narins wrote.
Party price tag
What to Expect did an earlier survey and found that the average birthday party costs $314, the price rising with the child’s age. Most parents don’t invite the whole class. The average party is about nine kids. And the most stressful part is cleaning up afterwards.
Millennial parents average $329, while Gen Z folks average $276, the survey found. The price rises to average $344 for children ages 6 to 10. About 1 in 5 parents spent $500 or more on a child’s birthday party.